The reason they marry little girls

Must be that the child rapists' penises are too small to fill up a grown woman. Definitely too small to satisfy her. And their brains are too small to question how this is a divine commandment.

On a related note...(child rape, for those of you too dense) see this hilarious parody of the fantastic new Netflix HOC.

Flush out the atheists

Thought this was funny:

 

Maybe as the red hats vote in Rome they ought to pretend to be interested in supporting gay marriage. Or just marriage for priests. Or just equal rights for women (nuns). Good way to flush the crap out of the system...

The highlight of my day

In between brain-melting sessions of graduate-level physical science study, I found this. My life is now complete.

Gaffe = when politicians tell the truth

Mitt now confirmed that he is not qualified for the presidency and that we don't want him as the candidate. How so, you ask?

I don't think using the Friday news dump will work to avoid his own words:

Romney only reached the 14.1 percent mark by limiting deductions taken from his considerable charitable giving. Had the Romneys taken all of the deductions made available by their $4.02 million in 2011 donations, his effective tax rate could have been as low as 10.4 percent.

By not using all the available deductions, he paid an additional $500,000 to the federal government. 

That decision contradicts a pledge Romney made during an interview in July, when he told ABC News he would not pay more in taxes "than are legally due. And, frankly, if I had paid more than are legally due I don't think I'd be qualified to become president. I'd think people would want me to follow the law and pay only what the tax code requires."

Romney made a similar remark in January during a GOP primary debate, when he said, "I pay all the taxes that are legally required and not a dollar more. I don't think you want someone as the candidate for president who pays more taxes than he owes." (emphasis mine) 

So the guy who used Swiss bank accounts and Cayman Island accounts to avoid paying taxes for years is now paying $500,000 more in taxes than he should have just because he didn't want people to see that he's paying 10% in taxes on over $10 million in income. But in so doing he both makes an obvious political play and contradicts his earlier quotes about how such an action would "disqualify him" from the presidency...

Lol.

See also for reference: NYT

Learn How to Speak "Tea Bag"

Hilarious.

Counter-protest

I found a fantastic new website that shows pictures of idiot protesters and others in the mix with them making fun of them. It seems inspired by the Westboro "God hates fags" people. I loved this one because I thought I'd hold up a sign beside the "Fag Church" sign with an arrow asking, "Where can I join this church?"

PS: On a similar note, see this.

Protect Health Insurance Executives!

Hilarious! And it's by MoveOn.

Protect Insurance Companies PSA from Will Ferrell

Colbert on religion

No, the real Stephen Colbert, not in character:

Does faith still play a big part in your life?
Very much. I am highly variable in my devotion. From a doctrinal point of view or a dogmatic point of view or a strictly Catholic adherent point of view, I'm first to say that I talk a good game, but I don't know how good I am about it in practice. I saw how my mother's faith was very valuable to her and valuable to my brothers and sisters, and I'm moved by the words of Christ, and I'll leave it at that.

But you do teach Sunday school?
I teach the seven year olds. I'm the catechist for their first communion.

It's almost disappointing. He's no Brad Pitt. But, if you read it carefully, I find reason to think he may be skeptical.

Is being gored to death by a Minotaur really torture?

I could seriously see this on Faux News. Perhaps Glenn Beck's program?

Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

Tramp Stamps

Some lower back tattoos are nice, I guess, but this one makes me just feel sorry for her.


Notice the sentence, "There is no limit to it's [sic] faith." The possessive "its" of love is misspelled "it's"...(unless she has an ironic freckle)

Maher's Op-ed in LAT

Hilarious. And a bulls-eye.:

If conservatives don't want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

It's been a week now, and I still don't know what those "tea bag" protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who's going to win "American Idol." But it wasn't tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that's when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.

The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because ... well, nobody knows. They're mad as hell, and they're not going to take it anymore. Even though they're not quite sure what "it" is. But they know they're fed up with "it," and that "it" has got to stop.

Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.

And here's the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.

Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?

It's sad what's happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they're the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, "Bill, that's just the fringe of the Republican Party." No, it's not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that ... Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I'm not sure exactly what Perry's independent nation would look like, but I'm pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I know. It's not about what Obama's done. It's what he's planning. But you can't be sick and tired of something someone might do.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build "reeducation" camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn't made any moves toward taking anyone's guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.

Look, I get it, "real America." After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You've come home to find your things out on the front lawn -- or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You're not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and key its car.

That's what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him -- obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.

But it's been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She's found somebody new. And it's a black guy.

The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You'll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.

And if today's conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they're better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you're with them or you're embarrassed by them.

The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don't need to. They already beat you in public.

What would Jesus do (or not do)?

Love it. (H/T: Pharyngula)

he is not risen!

How could I call myself a good god-disbelieving atheist without poking a stick in every Christian's eye today? Here's the real connection between the Easter Bunny and Jesus...


Re-post:

Glorious Ishtar! Isn't it lovely how the Christians co-opted all the fun pagan festivals for boring prudish commemorations? Have a wonderful myth day!

1. Did Jesus Really Rise From The Dead?
2. Easter: Did Jesus Arise? The Choice is Obvious
3. Why Wasn't There any Veneration of Jesus' Empty Tomb?
4. Is There Historical Evidence for the Resurrection of Jesus?
5. Carrier-O'Connell debate part 1
6. Matthew Green on the Resurrection of Christ
   
7. The Martyrdom Argument
8. Why I Don't Buy the Resurrection Story
9. The Historicity of Jesus' Resurrection: The Debate between Christians and Skeptics
10. Misc. others

Since Dan Barker has already invented the wheel, why should I reinvent it? From his article, "Did Jesus Really Rise from the Dead?" we see the parallel passages from the gospels (and Acts) laid out so as to show us the impossible task of harmonization of the resurrection stories.

What time did the women visit the tomb?

1. Matthew: "as it began to dawn" (28:1)


2. Mark "very early in the morning . . . at the rising of the sun" (16:2, KJV); "when the sun had risen" (NRSV); "just after sunrise" (NIV)


3. Luke: "very early in the morning" (24:1, KJV) "at early dawn" (NRSV)


4. John: "when it was yet dark" (20:1)

Who were the women?

1. Matthew: Mary Magdalene and the other Mary (28:1)


2. Mark: Mary Magdalene, the mother of James, and Salome (16:1)


3. Luke: Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and other women (24:10)


4. John: Mary Magdalene (20:1)

What was their purpose?

1. Matthew: to see the tomb (28:1)


2. Mark: had already seen the tomb (15:47), brought spices (16:1)


3. Luke: had already seen the tomb (23:55), brought spices (24:1)


4. John: the body had already been spiced before they arrived (19:39,40)

Was the tomb open when they arrived?

1. Matthew: No (28:2)


2. Mark: Yes (16:4)


3. Luke: Yes (24:2)


4. John: Yes (20:1)

Who was at the tomb when they arrived?

1. Matthew: One angel (28:2-7)


2. Mark: One young man (16:5)


3. Luke: Two men (24:4)


4. John: Two angels (20:12)

Where were these messengers situated?

1. Matthew: Angel sitting on the stone (28:2)


2. Mark: Young man sitting inside, on the right (16:5)


3. Luke: Two men standing inside (24:4)


4. John: Two angels sitting on each end of the bed (20:12)

What did the messenger(s) say?

1. Matthew: "Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified. He is not here for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead: and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you." (28:5-7)


2. Mark: "Be not afrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him. But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you." (16:6-7)


3. Luke: "Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee, Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again." (24:5-7)


4. John: "Woman, why weepest thou?" (20:13)

Did the women tell what happened?

1. Matthew: Yes (28:8)


2. Mark: No. "Neither said they any thing to any man." (16:8)


3. Luke: Yes. "And they returned from the tomb and told all these things to the eleven, and to all the rest." (24:9, 22-24)


4. John: Yes (20:18)

When Mary returned from the tomb, did she know Jesus had been resurrected?

1. Matthew: Yes (28:7-8)


2. Mark: Yes (16:10,11[23])


3. Luke: Yes (24:6-9,23)


4. John: No (20:2)

When did Mary first see Jesus?

1. Matthew: Before she returned to the disciples (28:9)


2. Mark: Before she returned to the disciples (16:9,10[23])


3. John: After she returned to the disciples (20:2,14)

Could Jesus be touched after the resurrection?

1. Matthew: Yes (28:9)


2. John: No (20:17), Yes (20:27)

After the women, to whom did Jesus first appear?

1. Matthew: Eleven disciples (28:16)


2. Mark: Two disciples in the country, later to eleven (16:12,14[23])


3. Luke: Two disciples in Emmaus, later to eleven (24:13,36)


4. John: Ten disciples (Judas and Thomas were absent) (20:19, 24)


5. Paul: First to Cephas (Peter), then to the twelve. (Twelve? Judas was dead). (I Corinthians 15:5)

Where did Jesus first appear to the disciples?

1. Matthew: On a mountain in Galilee (60-100 miles away) (28:16-17)


2. Mark: To two in the country, to eleven "as they sat at meat" (16:12,14[23])


3. Luke: In Emmaus (about seven miles away) at evening, to the rest in a room in Jerusalem later that night. (24:31, 36)


4. John: In a room, at evening (20:19)

Did the disciples believe the two men?

1. Mark: No (16:13[23])


2. Luke: Yes (24:34--it is the group speaking here, not the two)

What happened at that first appearance?

1. Matthew: Disciples worshipped, some doubted, "Go preach." (28:17-20)


2. Mark: Jesus reprimanded them, said "Go preach" (16:14-19[23])


3. Luke: Christ incognito, vanishing act, materialized out of thin air, reprimand, supper (24:13-51)


4. John: Passed through solid door, disciples happy, Jesus blesses them, no reprimand (21:19-23)

Did Jesus stay on earth for more than a day?

1. Mark: No (16:19[23]) Compare 16:14 with John 20:19 to show that this was all done on Sunday


2. Luke: No (24:50-52) It all happened on Sunday


3. John: Yes, at least eight days (20:26, 21:1-22)


4. Acts: Yes, at least forty days (1:3)

Where did the ascension take place?

1. Matthew: No ascension. Book ends on mountain in Galilee


2. Mark: In or near Jerusalem, after supper (16:19[23])


3. Luke: In Bethany, very close to Jerusalem, after supper (24:50-51)


4. John: No ascension


5. Paul: No ascension


6. Acts: Ascended from Mount of Olives (1:9-12)

He is risen! Not.

Interesting miscellany

Andrew Sullivan posts some write-ins by "closet" marijuana users.

Colbert destroys Beck.

Red Staters (the website, not Republicans generally) really are fuc*ing insane.

The nerve!

How dare scientists present...science!

"There's nothing balanced here. It's completely, 100 percent evolution-based," said DeWitt, a professor of biology.

That's damn straight! Imagine, at the Museum of Natural History, all you find is...naturalism! No supernatural explanations at all!

And at this university at which this "professor" does his "teaching," I bet you won't find balance about the possibility that Christianity is a fraud either!

"We come every year, because I don't hold anything back from the students."

Except facts.

Near the end of the "Evolution Trail," the class showed no signs of being swayed by the polished, enthusiastic presentation of Darwin's theory. They were surprised, though, by the bronze statue of man's earliest mammalian ancestor.

"A rat?" exclaimed Amanda Runions, a 21-year-old biochemistry major, when she saw the model of a morganucodon, a rodent-like ancient mammal that curators have dubbed Grandma Morgie. "All this hype for a rat? You're expecting, like, at least an ape."

Yeah, cause, like, you'd think that apes aren't even related to rats by evolution, like, at Liberty U.

Conservatives heart porn

A new interesting study done on the correlation between political conservatism and porn:

• Benjamin Edelman --Red Light States: Who Buys Online Adult Entertainment?. Journal of Economic Perspectives 23, no. 1 (winter 2009): 209-220.
• New Scientist summary
• Charles Blow NYT blog summary
  

Eight of the top ten per capita porn consuming states gave their votes to John McCain.

The reason this is funny (to me) is the fact that conservatives and their puritanical style of government are so ironic and hypocritical. When the Religious Right and Rush Limbaugh run your party, you know you have some issues. If the Democrats headlined a former gay porn star at their far-left conference, it wouldn't be nearly as funny as when Republicans do it at their CPAC conference, because of the RR influence.

When the RR has a conference, they choose only "non-porn offering hotels..." at first this sounds like a moral choice (to support businesses who are "more pure") but then you realize it's just so they can't control their urges to watch big manly bear porn. They also can't deal with the raw fact that gay sex is observed in the animal kingdom all the time, so they probably prefer hotels without the Discovery Channel too. Religion is like porn in many ways.

While many religious people will say that things like porn consumption make people "fall away" from the faith, it turns out that porn and faith seem to have no real impact on one another: Edelman found that a 1% increase in churchgoing in a postal zip code was correlated with a 0.1% drop in porn subscription purchases on Sunday...but that purchases through the rest of the week brought up those zip codes to the average (or above).

It turns out that abstinence until late adulthood contributes to sexual dysfunction. Perhaps it's because they spend too much time watching porn to practice the real thing and their expectations are all out of whack with reality ;)

Xmas gifts for the crazy Christian you love

Ship of Fools presents great gifts for the religious nutcase in your life this holiday season. My favorite is their favorite (#1):

My parents would so put this in their yard.

Survey of the damage

And here's The Onion with a hilarious hurricane-like report on the damage done to the nation by the Bush presidency:

* * * * *

Golden line

From Gail Collins' column in today's NYT (links added by me):

Palin has been pressing the line that people don’t really know “the real Barack Obama,” and who could make the argument better than a woman who we’ve already known for almost six weeks? Really, she’s like one of the family.

We’ve gotten so close we’ve already learned that she didn’t actually sell the plane on eBay, didn’t actually visit the troops in Iraq and didn’t really have a talk with the British ambassador. As soon as we get the Trooper thing and Alaska Independence Party thing and the tax thing figured out, she’ll be an open book.

*drum sting*

PS: Economists who once backed McCain's economic plans are now balking at his proposal to buy mortgages directly from banks.

PSS: Someone should lose a hand (or at least a finger) over this.

Great atheist images

I've given you wise words before, so here are some hilarious images, courtesy fruitloop and her cool Believers Anonymous site:

Same image, different perspective:


I like it, and her 12-step program idea. We used a similar image at GF until Ryan made the cool logos we have now. Another good one from her profile:

See more of her work at cafepress...