We Lost the First Battle in the War on Xmas

**UPDATE: See this and this awesome poster (and entire gallery) by Austin Cline**

I've been on the phone with some of my co-generals in the glorious War on Xmas this year. I have some bad news, but I want to sustain the morale.

Damned Wal-Mart, they bowed to conservative pressure! They will start using "Merry Xmas" (I can't bear to write it out), switching from our side of the battle lines to the enemies'. Bill O'Reilly noted last year, "Happy Holidays" is so denigrating to Christians, and that was our primary weapon in the war:

[there is] a growing anger among the nation's Christians that their holiday is being denigrated by, particularly stores, that want their business over Christmas.

WorldNutDaily was all over this story last year, especially the allegation made by Wal-Mart that Xmas is not a purely Christian holiday! We lying liberals were able to execute a huge part of our battle plan by inserting false history about the yule log, mistletoe, holly, Xmas trees, lights, etc. into history books. Those dumb Christians! They really bought it for years.

In fact, some Puritans were dumb enough to believe our history revisionism and ban the celebration of Xmas because they believed our lies about the pagan origins of Xmas. But, the WorldNutDaily and modern Christians are smarter than that. We'll have to come up with new lies, and revise more textbooks, to fool this brighter generation. I mean, look at the president they picked -- a bastion of intellect and wisdom.

Our primary battlefields are the retail stores. Bill kindly pointed out our allies and enemies:

• Allies in the War on Xmas: Sears, K-Mart, Kohl's, Wal-Mart, Costco, Target, B.J.'s
• Enemies: Everyone else -- all who say the "C-word"
  

Damn! One down. Maybe we can convince Macy's to infuriate and denigrate the Christians by using the ever-offensive, "Season's Greetings". I can only hope, and work hard towards it. Mobilize, my field operatives, the season is almost upon us, and many battles are left to be fought. We will defeat Xmas!! Call those retail stores and threaten to burn or boycott them if they keep using the "C-word".

And, keep spreading the rumors and lies about the pagan origins of Xmas. Although this modern generation is very bright (much more so than the dumb Puritans), we can still pull a fast one over on some of them, and a campaign of misinformation, as Pres. Bush has shown us, is still very very effective.

Hopefully all these crazy liberals we voted in will pass a federal amendment banning the use of the phrase in public, and adopting an official US "Season's Greetings" stance. That would probably go over better than a flag-burning amendment, or gay marriage amendment. Keep your eyes open, troops, this year's battles have just begun. Bwa-ha-ha-ha (*cough cough*)
________________
Technorati tags: Humor