A personal note

This is something I wrote when a friend of mine passed away in August of 2005:

As I sit here, a week after hearing of my dear friend's death, my heart still breaks. My eyes tear up, and it hurts. She was so sweet, so vital, so alive, so damn beautiful...and now she's gone. I knew her since she was 14, and saw her grow into the gorgeous and vibrant young woman she became. I was in love with her once, and she with me. Then we became the best of friends, for a very long time...then we slowly grew apart. I didn't realize how deeply I still cared for her until I heard. How feeble words must be to attempt to make sense of this tragic loss. How pitiful arguments are that pretend there is anything good about it. The consolation I find is solely that she is now beyond pain and being hurt. Kayla isn't crying now, we all are. This person I cherished isn't hurting anymore. That helps me not to hurt. My memories of my dear friend will never die, though they may dim. The years will certainly temper the heartache, but true solace will likely never come for me. It will never give me peace of mind or heart to think of what happened. I will always miss her, and think of her, as one lost to tragic circumstance or cruel fate. I will always wish for one more word, one more hug, a chance to tell her goodbye. And as the years go by, my mind will return to the times we had together, the laughs, the tears we shed...and the pain will resurface, rising out of this deep place in me like leviathan coming up from the ocean. It is wrong to say she WILL be dearly missed...for I miss her, oh so dearly, right now. And a part of my life is forever tainted with the pain of her passing. Surely, she no longer feels pain, for we all do. My tribute is to you, Kayla, for letting me share your life, and your death...I will miss you so much. Although part of you is forever gone, and part of me too, part of you will never die, for I will carry it in me...so long as I shall live.

Her death had a real impact on my life that I am still trying to measure.